I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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