chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
