Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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