ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
