Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
