she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
