i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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