its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
