dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you inspire me to be a worse person
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
