When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
