When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
