I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
