i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
