Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
