I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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