My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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