Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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