i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
