I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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