Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
