Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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