It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
