Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
