I'm going to jail i love you
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
