Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize