those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
