Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
