So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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