I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
