If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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