So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
