Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
