i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think people are normalizing furries
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize