youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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