Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
