When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
