I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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