dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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