I seem to have left my pride at pride
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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