please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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