he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
