Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
