not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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