I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
