Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
