Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
