he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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