this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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