I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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