You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
