if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
