at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
